I recently heard a version of this quote and it was a real aha moment as a previous long time sufferer of resentment, jealousy and envy. Don’t get me wrong, I think I’m a nice person I’ve just been prone to comparison and perfectionism, all of which stem from my own low self value and esteem (not recognising my own fab-ness)
Hearing Rick Hanson quote this on Marie TV was a revelation for my soul, I’ve felt intuitively for some time that my resentment was hurting me inside, I could feel it. When the thoughts hit that triggered these feelings, my energy dropped, my jaw tightened, my heart closed. If I wanted to have peace of mind, I had to find ways of living calmly and without this toxic inner torment (that also created toxic interactions too).
So I set to work looking for ways to free my mind from the thoughts that were creating this inner suffocation.
The first place I turned was REIKI after an incident that left me internally collapsing and feeling my trust would forever be impacted, I realised that was the saddest consequence I could lay upon myself; to close my own heart to the possibilities of feeling. I was fearing more pain and inner anger was a form of self -protection but it wasn’t for the highest good. I’ve been a reiki master for 4 years but it’s a tool I don’t use enough.
So that night, I lay down in bed and got out my crystals, put my candles and music on and set the intention to clear my heart of the pain it was holding.
For me it worked, I woke up the next morning and I wasn’t the same and haven’t been since, that was the first step in this journey.
LEANING IN was the next. Difficult feelings or thoughts towards a work competitor, the ache and suffering in marriage interactions, the negative self talk in my head, there was no way around these I had to go through them and confront them head on.
Reaching out to the competitor I was always comparing myself to and feeling rubbish and speaking Rd truth; I’m inspired and admire what you’re doing.
Sitting and exploring the difficult feelings that came up, why are they there? What do they need to feel better? What do they actually want for me?
Then it was about taking RESPONSIBILITY for myself, accepting that the issues I felt weren’t with the other people, they were mine and something I was reacting too. They were just being them and I can’t change others, I can only change myself if I want a more peaceful life. It was my thoughts that were causing my to feel resentful and compare, so this is where change would have to start from and the only place in this whole cycle and process of resentment I could do anything about.
So this is what I realised, my brain has experienced trauma and therefore it’s negative bias is big strong on picking up the bad stuff, it’s doing it to try and keep me safe the only way it knows how. If I wanted to feel differently I was going to have to train myself to think differently, so here’s some of the tools:
Affirmations and good self talk. Great for tackling the subconscious fears and building a framework of safety. Over last 3 years my thoughts and behaviours have changed.
Breathing consciously had allowed me to lower that hyper-negative panic and come back to clear thinking brain activity so I can more accurately access the stories I tell myself and the situation in a more balanced way.
Mindfulness and meditation as a practice of self love. Distracting & noticing those thoughts & stories when they pop up.
Noticing the good and journaling. This has been a longer practice too but it’s definitely made a difference. Asking myself to note the positives about my areas of sensitivity; work and marriage, I’ve built up a good body of evidence to counter the critical self talk triggered by the negative bias and my attitude has now also lifted. Greater resilience to move on quickly from set backs.
I write down daily everything good, every win for my business, every kind thing my husband does or says. When I look back I can see a massive shift has taken place.
What tools do you use to release resentment? What impact does jealousy and resentment have on your life?
Sakina is a London based mum of 2 boys who experienced CPTSD and found growth through the healing journey. She is the founder of Tranquil Birth